I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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