just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
