i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize