White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He uses pillows to masturbate.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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