Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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