Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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