I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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