It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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