Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
