Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
