When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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