your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
