Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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