I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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