I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
