i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
