Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
