I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
