just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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