just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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