bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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