I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
