Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
