I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
