Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
