Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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