people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
