BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
