Just fell off a train. Bad.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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