Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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