Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
