Quick, to the slutcave!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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