if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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