She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
