I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
