Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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