here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize