My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
