some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
