what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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