there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
