I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
