Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
