I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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