yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
