I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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