They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
