It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
