New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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