I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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