Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
