in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
