I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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