I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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