I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
