Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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