I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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