The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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