don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize