You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
