Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
