he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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