Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
