apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
