It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
